It’s not abnormal to
fall for someone unattainable; it is to think that you need to do something
about it.
I am going to write on a sensitive subject. I don’t think
Santa Singh could give any advice on this one. In fact I don’t think even I
can. But the problem is so pervasive, particularly among the adolescents and
young adults that this stress can’t be ignored. Pick up any agony aunt column
in a magazine or newspaper-what’s the most common question? ok, all those whose
mind went straight to “I masturbate 400
times a day, will it make it weak.”-please kick yourself twice for having a
one-track mind and the rest stay on with me. The most common question is, “I am
in love with someone who I can’t be with (either he/she is super-hot celebrity,
or already married, or in a relationship with someone, or simply not
interested). How do I try to deal with this stress.”
Well my answer is ……don’t. Yes…….as a first step, don’t try
to deal with it. Accept that it’s not abnormal to fall in love with someone
who’s totally out of your league-he/she could be a film star, your boss, your
teacher or even your best friend’s caring wife (who, by the way, seems caring
only as long as they are someone else’s). What’s abnormal, or rather a cause of
concern, however, is when you start to think that you need to do anything about
it. Or when you begin to develop a
complex because of not being able to attain the object of your desire.
Santa Singh’s teenaged daughter Harleen Kaur, who has
plastered the walls of her room with the posters of Brad Pitt, having neatly
cut out Angelina Jolie from all of them, was fine till she started scribbling “Mrs
Harleen Kaur Pitt” 100 times on the back page of her school notebooks and began
a ‘sixteen Monday’ fast (solah somvaar) to ensure that Lord Shiva somehow gets
Brad on the next flight to Faridabad sector – 37. Now that’s where she, and
millions like her need to be told that the “feeling of feeling for someone
special” is borne out of your own thoughts and not binding on you somehow
getting that person in your life. In most cases, what we are in love with is
not the person, but the perception of him/her in our minds. The one who seems
an epitome of perfection to us from every angle may be an annoying monster to
those who actually have him/her in their lives. If those film stars were like
the best gifts God could give to their partners, why would there be divorces or
separations in their relationships?
The calmness trick, if you are also hopelessly in love-in
your thoughts-with someone who cannot be yours, is to positively enjoy that
feeling and not go on an overdrive to take it to a level where it ceases to be
a ‘healthy’ crush. You have to set your own boundaries. Writing fan mail every
day or waiting for hours to get an autograph is okay-slitting your wrists to
write a letter in blood, or not appreciating your own partner for not being ‘as
good’ is so not done. Fantasizing is
great, getting obsessive is crazy!! Take your pick.
